1. Don't employ aggressive or combative lawyers.
Do it yourself using a self-help guide, such as Lawpack's DIY Separation & Divorce Kit, or use only tried and tested lawyers that have been recommended by your friends. Resolution (formerly known as the Solicitors' Family Law Association) is a group of family lawyers who are committed to dealing with divorces in a non-aggressive way and who will point you in the right direction if you need help finding a lawyer with the right amicable approach.
2. Protect your children.
Never involve them in the fall out between you and your spouse, and absolutely never use them as pawns so you can achieve your financial goals. The courts take a very dim view (and quite rightly) of parents who deny or offer contact to their children in return for some financial gain. It has been established that children are not so much affected by their parent's divorce as by the way their parents behave towards each other before, during and after the divorce. Don't let your divorce give your children a legacy of unhappiness and difficult relationships of their own.
3. Be dignified.
Don't conduct your dealings with your soon-to-be ex as though you're in the middle of a battle. Keep your communications measured and don't allow yourself to become personal or critical of your spouse or their lawyer. Whenever you are feeling really angry, avoid writing or picking up the phone - wait a day or two when you will be feeling calmer.
4. Tell the truth.
This is an absolute must in all matters financial, or you may find yourself being penalised by the court. Truth in all matters, even if it hurts, is by far the best policy. If you try to hide things and you're found out, your spouse will delve into your affairs in such a way as to increase your costs and theirs, and they will be unlikely to want to reach an early settlement. You could even find that your costs go through the roof.
5. Be empathetic.
Everybody goes through various emotional stages during a divorce - anger, bitterness, sadness, etc. - but not necessarily at the same time. If your spouse seems to be finding it extra tough at a time when you're bouncing back and feeling fine, give them some time and they will catch up with you. Trying to force people into a situation that they are not yet ready for can be cruel and expensive.
6. Mediate or collaborate.
Court proceedings and lawyers are not the only way to reach agreements and settle divorce disputes. Contact familymediationhelpline.co.uk or collaborativefamilylawyers.co.uk for more details of how these procedures work and where to find expert mediators/collaborative lawyers.
7. Don't fight on principle.
Be pragmatic in your approach to the issues that will arise and bear in mind the costs of your fight (both emotionally and financially), as well as the value of what you're trying to gain. The legal buzzword is 'proportionality'. Keep it in mind at all times.
8. Don't flaunt the new love of your life in front of your soon-to-be ex or your children.
Your spouse will not feel better after finding out that you're happy and getting on with life and, however hard they try, it's likely to increase their feelings of hostility and anger about the situation. Children should not be introduced to your new squeeze without you being absolutely sure that your new relationship is stable and, preferably, you should have consent from your spouse about the meeting. Go slowly. If this is a relationship that has staying power, you can afford to hang on.
9. Don't rush into things.
You're not on a short fuse and it's rare that you need to get on with things quickly (unless foreign jurisdictions are involved). Emotions tend to run very high shortly after separation and this doesn't help a couple to sort things out amicably and rationally. Therefore, wait a while before you start the legal ball rolling. Let the dust settle and you may find things slot into place all the more easily as a result.
10. Step back when the going gets hot.
Your nearest and dearest may well say everything you wish to hear when things get bad, but this may not be what you need. Listen, instead, to those who are not afraid to question you and if this means that you have to pay for independent advice from a lawyer or counsellor, so be it. It could well be money well spent.
Do it yourself using a self-help guide, such as Lawpack's DIY Separation & Divorce Kit, or use only tried and tested lawyers that have been recommended by your friends. Resolution (formerly known as the Solicitors' Family Law Association) is a group of family lawyers who are committed to dealing with divorces in a non-aggressive way and who will point you in the right direction if you need help finding a lawyer with the right amicable approach.
2. Protect your children.
Never involve them in the fall out between you and your spouse, and absolutely never use them as pawns so you can achieve your financial goals. The courts take a very dim view (and quite rightly) of parents who deny or offer contact to their children in return for some financial gain. It has been established that children are not so much affected by their parent's divorce as by the way their parents behave towards each other before, during and after the divorce. Don't let your divorce give your children a legacy of unhappiness and difficult relationships of their own.
3. Be dignified.
Don't conduct your dealings with your soon-to-be ex as though you're in the middle of a battle. Keep your communications measured and don't allow yourself to become personal or critical of your spouse or their lawyer. Whenever you are feeling really angry, avoid writing or picking up the phone - wait a day or two when you will be feeling calmer.
4. Tell the truth.
This is an absolute must in all matters financial, or you may find yourself being penalised by the court. Truth in all matters, even if it hurts, is by far the best policy. If you try to hide things and you're found out, your spouse will delve into your affairs in such a way as to increase your costs and theirs, and they will be unlikely to want to reach an early settlement. You could even find that your costs go through the roof.
5. Be empathetic.
Everybody goes through various emotional stages during a divorce - anger, bitterness, sadness, etc. - but not necessarily at the same time. If your spouse seems to be finding it extra tough at a time when you're bouncing back and feeling fine, give them some time and they will catch up with you. Trying to force people into a situation that they are not yet ready for can be cruel and expensive.
6. Mediate or collaborate.
Court proceedings and lawyers are not the only way to reach agreements and settle divorce disputes. Contact familymediationhelpline.co.uk or collaborativefamilylawyers.co.uk for more details of how these procedures work and where to find expert mediators/collaborative lawyers.
7. Don't fight on principle.
Be pragmatic in your approach to the issues that will arise and bear in mind the costs of your fight (both emotionally and financially), as well as the value of what you're trying to gain. The legal buzzword is 'proportionality'. Keep it in mind at all times.
8. Don't flaunt the new love of your life in front of your soon-to-be ex or your children.
Your spouse will not feel better after finding out that you're happy and getting on with life and, however hard they try, it's likely to increase their feelings of hostility and anger about the situation. Children should not be introduced to your new squeeze without you being absolutely sure that your new relationship is stable and, preferably, you should have consent from your spouse about the meeting. Go slowly. If this is a relationship that has staying power, you can afford to hang on.
9. Don't rush into things.
You're not on a short fuse and it's rare that you need to get on with things quickly (unless foreign jurisdictions are involved). Emotions tend to run very high shortly after separation and this doesn't help a couple to sort things out amicably and rationally. Therefore, wait a while before you start the legal ball rolling. Let the dust settle and you may find things slot into place all the more easily as a result.
10. Step back when the going gets hot.
Your nearest and dearest may well say everything you wish to hear when things get bad, but this may not be what you need. Listen, instead, to those who are not afraid to question you and if this means that you have to pay for independent advice from a lawyer or counsellor, so be it. It could well be money well spent.
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